The day had finally come! I was nervous and excited about my first Ayahuasca ceremony. I had heard that the purging during the Ayahuasca ceremony is particularly violent for most people.
Javier asked us to come to the ceremony with an intention. We discussed our intentions with him beforehand in private, and by the end of my meeting, we had agreed that my intention was going to be to see the part that rejection plays in my life. I was to look at my feelings towards rejection from others as well as myself.
I spent most of the day in Javier’s garden just relaxing, reading, and meditating. Time passed slowly, but finally 6PM came around and we were walking into the indoor Ayahuasca temple. The ceremony opened similarly to the San Pedro ceremonies, except that we each had a pink purge bucket in front of us.
We drank the Ayahuasca one at a time, and within about 10 minutes the purging in the room had started. The Ayahuasca tasted particularly awful, a mixture of what tasted like salt, marmite and rotten plant. I lay back and waited for something to happen. I was staring at the stars through the glass ceiling, expecting them to start moving. Half an hour later, and I’d felt nothing other than nausea. I sat up and looked around. Javier told me to lie down, which I did for another 45 minutes to an hour whilst waiting for something to happen.
“Wow, this really isn’t working at all – I feel nothing.” I thought to myself. I was beginning to feel pretty sick by that time, and so I vomited. I then asked Javier if I could drink a second cup. Half an hour after the second cup, and I was still feeling absolutely nothing beyond drowsy and tired, maybe a little empty of emotion, but no grand insights, out of body flights or conversations with the dead as I’d been expecting. I felt that I’d been rejected by the Ayahuasca. I had built this experience up so much in my mind, and now I was seemingly one of those people that was just completely immune to it. I vomited again – and went to lie down on my mat. I must have just fallen asleep because the next thing I know, Javier is calling me to sit up as the ceremony is closing. I fell asleep again pretty soon after, tired, disappointed, and with a stomach ache.
The next morning at 9AM, we had our integration session. Each participant in the circle recounted their experiences and visions and Javier offered his expertise. When it came to me, I was almost embarrassed that I had nothing to say. I explained what had happened, that I had come with huge expectations, felt nothing at all, and that I had failed and been rejected. On reflection throughout that day, I realized that this experience had taught me a lot about exactly what I had set out to learn of – rejection, frustration and expectations.
A number of people that I’ve spoken to subsequently have said that it’s not uncommon, and that the medicine was most likely clearing me out (physically and emotionally) and preparing me to go deeper in future ceremonies. Apparently it’s sometimes not until the 3rd or the 5th ceremonies that some people begin to have their profound experiences. I’m certain that I’ll drink Ayahuasca again.
We’ve now booked a ten day San Pedro retreat featuring four ceremonies with Javier starting the 4th May. I don’t know what comes next, but my thoughts are quiet. I’m feeling stronger, more open, more confident and I’ve learned more so far than I could have imagined, but not in the way that I was expecting. More logic and mental chatter isn’t needed to know I’m moving in the right direction.
We have some time now in Pisac until our retreat, and so we’ll relax, enjoy the gardens at Paz Y Luz, hike and meet friends that we’ve made here. Oh – and we’re doing that San Pedro hike with Miguel again on Friday!
